We all know Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832) as a poet, playwright, novelist, scientist, statesman, theatre director, critic, amateur artist, oboist, mime, short-order cook, and inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver. A hidden facet of this towering genius is a little book he published anonymously, and which survives in bootleg (“samizdat”) form. Titled Das Imaginäre Kleine Buch, Das es Nicht Gibt, the book is informally called Nichts by the connoisseurs, the cognoscenti, and the cognitively dissonant.

It’s long been a favorite of mine. I have a mimeographed copy from my days growing up under a military dictatorship in Brazil in the 60’s and 70’s. My copy is faded, smudged, torn, and illegible, but since the book is “imaginäre” the fact that I can’t read it doesn’t bother me overmuch (“zu viel,” as we say in Teutonics).

Nichts means everything to all people, but today I’d like to highlight one of its dimensions: Goethe’s wonderful way of talking about problematics and solucionatics (or “Fanatiks und Lunatiks,” as he calls them).

Abridged and loosely translated:

A problem is easier to solve if you agree to solve it (“natürlich”).
Self-solve a self-created problem. While at it, self-prevent a self-problem from coming into self-existence (“Selbstachtung”).
If you don’t have a problem, it’s a problem to think that you have a problem. Then the solution is to stop thinking that you have a problem. Goethe put it very elegantly: “Kein Problem.”
What do you like better, the problem or the solution? It isn’t a trick question (“nein, nein!”).
A deity comes to you and offers you a deal. “Pedrito mein Schnuckelschneke, mein Igelschnäuzchen, mein Honigkuchenpferd, mein Schnuckiputzihasimausierdbeertörtchen! I give you two options: I can make all your problems disappear, or I can help you become able to solve problems, one by one and in batches, using intelligence and creativity. What’s your choice?” (“¡Olé!”)
You have a problem, and you feel bad that you have this problem. Then you have two problems: the thing, and your emotions about the thing—or rather, your self-judgments and self-punishments regarding the thing. Getting rid of the extra problem often solves the core problem (“das Wiener Schnitzel Paradox”).
Some problems exist in the material realm, and some problems only exist in the psychic realm (“in deinem Kopf,” as Goethe used to say). That, too, is a problem!

This is the gist of Nichts. To end this post, I’d like to pay homage to Goethe by quoting from one of his beloved poems. You don’t need any German to understand it.